Still Sad, Still Searching

So it’s been a full week since I found out that Henry had gone missing. It’s been over two weeks since he left. My emotions have been in a weird place over the past week. Mostly, during the days, I’ve been focused on making contacts, checking websites, calling shelters, getting updates from Patrick and Barb, oh – and working a little bit here and there. This has kept me distracted enough to avoid the pure panic that is present.

Nights have been an interesting battleground. When things get quiet, I start dreading the worst. All last week, I lay in bed for long periods of time trying to calm myself down. The experience was bizarre: the awful thoughts invaded and panic began to set in. I would try to counteract with prayers to Saint Anthony, the patron saint of lost things. As I am not Catholic and have little to no connection with any of the saints, these prayers did not resonate with me and were therefore kept fairly short. Mainly, I asked simply that Henry find his way back to me. Then I turned my questions to the universe. I would lay there asking the universe to help me understand and trust. In my waking life, I typically believe that everything happens for a reason in just the way it’s supposed to, whether or not I understand it. So I would ultimately realize that I need to trust that, if it’s supposed to be, Henry will get back to me. And I need to trust that, if I don’t find him, it is because he needs to be with someone else right now, or that someone else needs to be with him right now. The interesting part is the physical reaction my body has once I achieve such a realization: my body lets go, everything relaxes, and within moments I am sleeping relatively soundly.

Friday was the first day that I felt I was able to carry a sense of calm into the day with me. I don’t know if it had just been long enough since I found out that the initial shockwave of emotion had worn off or if it really is that I have been more able to trust what’s happening around me and completely without my control. The past several days have been slightly more upbeat; I have not been dwelling or obsessing quite so much and I have been able to sleep – sans the tears and panic. I am trying to trust this, too, as guilt likes to creep in and convince me that I don’t care anymore and that’s why it feels better. My rational mind knows this is not true, but sometimes my guilt likes to challenge me for reasons that I don’t really need to have.

I miss him dearly already and I fear my return home to find him not there (should that be my reality) will not be pleasant. Being away has been so hard because I am completely out of control of the process. But even from this I am learning. Being away is maybe also a blessing because I have been adjusting to the idea without actually experiencing the reality of his loss. Then again, it is also prolonging the inevitable realization of not having this darling, funny, snuggly, full of love energy in my space in the future (again, should that be the reality).

Tonight I got sad again. Faith and I were just laying on the couch cuddling, having finished yet another episode of Queer As Folk (I must admit I’ve become a bit of an addict, but I still haven’t decided how I truly feel about the show). And suddenly, I just got really sad about it. So I decided to write. I feel somewhat frustrated even with the writing, as I don’t feel as though I’m putting forward anything beautiful or profound. If you’re not a cat person – and certainly if you don’t know me at all – this is contributing little to nothing to your life. But it’s important to me – in fact, it’s the most important thing happening to me at this very instant. Besides, there’s just no need for my incredibly high expectations of myself to keep me from experiencing (and writing about) my sadness, fear, and confusion.

I’m doing better, my friends, but I think I’ll be up and down. I just really don’t like lack of closure. Or being out of control. And it seems like these can both contribute to the larger purpose here. I know that I’m learning right now. I just don’t know that I want to be.

Thanks to everyone who’s been out there being my eyes, ears, voice, etc. And thanks to everyone who’s been my shoulder to cry on. I’ll keep you posted.